Member-only story
The answers we want after a suicide
Trigger Warning: Suicide and suicidal ideation
I’ve never triggered warned anything I’ve written before, and I’ve written about infidelity, self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, emotional abuse, and suicide.
Today, I am. Today, I’m writing in the aftermath of my friend’s suicide. Like everyone around me, I am hurting, and I suppose that will lead some to say my friend was selfish and didn’t consider the feelings of those who loved her.
My friend was not selfish.
She didn’t know how to tell her brain to fuck off when it lied and said she’d never feel better. Yes, there are hotlines and therapists, and she had concerned friends and family. But none of it mattered.
I know this first hand.
On three separate occasions, I have attempted suicide. Obviously, I was not successful because as my dear friend once joked — when it felt okay to do so — I’m terrible at suicide. After each attempt, my husband begged me to tell him why. Why did I want to die? Why would I want to hurt my family or children? Why couldn’t I see how much people loved me?
Here’s my truth: people in pain don’t want to die, they just want to not be.
